PPD and the Reality of Hormones

I kind of treat this blog like a letter to myself...and I have to be honest about what's been going on with me lately. Otherwise it is just a rosy look at what I want my life to come across as...instead of what I am feeling. So I am going to let you in on how it really feels to be a mother to a 10 month old and about to give birth to a second. It is utterly terrifying. For those of you that don't know I dealt with Post Partum Depression with Fay. This type of depression uses guilt with reckless abandonment, it allows you to start believing lies about yourself and your ability to mother. At least that was the case for me. The depression told me that I should feel bad for even having feelings of depression, many of the thoughts I was having sounded like this "you don't even have it half as bad as other mothers, what do you have to complain about? oh you got a perfectly healthy baby, and have a husband and family that love you? why do you feel sad, you shouldn't be allowed to have any feelings of sorrow, or be overwhelmed, many have done much more with much less"

It also made me feel like not only was I a shitty person for feeling sad about having a perfectly healthy little person, but it also screwed with my self worth. It made me feel insignificant, small, and incapable of hope or goals. I was embarrassed about having PPD...it made me feel like I was less of a mom because others had done it with a smile, and seemingly so much grace. I on the other hand felt like a failure because I wanted my life back. It wasn't until I got treatment that I realized that all of these feelings had been the depression, that I was not the one that failed, I LOVED MY BABY, I was not the person who didn't want to be Fay's mom, I was not small or weak. I was strong and capable of many things, and I soon realized that I had SO MUCH love to give and that was my biggest strength and unfortunately the part of me that the depression attacked.

So needless to say I have been afraid of feeling that way again. I want so badly to ENJOY Willa's birth, her story, her essence. I want to breath her in, and soak her up and praise GOD that she is here, and not ever look back. But today those feelings of doubt and fear and emotional upheaval have found their way into my head and heart. I find it hard to believe its going to be better...I have cried a lot today. Because this time I am not naive to what is coming, for better or for worse. The only way I beat this is by giving it up to God, being honest about how I feel, and KNOWING that I love my kids and my husband. Pray that these feelings pass, and that I can kick the shit out of PPD this time around. Willa...Fay, Mommy has her game face on this time, and she is going to do the best she can. I love you.